Daily Journey Journal #36: relationship status

Relationship status: happy, fulfilling, supportive and brimming with love; a constant source of joy and strength in life; a daily gift

When I was sixteen I was almost positive that I would never get married. I was pretty sure love like that in stories and of my grandparents would never fill my life. I was fairly certain that there was no such thing as ‘the one’ or soul mates or a potential significant other for me that would last until marriage was even a possibility. It wasn’t that I was too weird (that is a more recent development) or unintelligent or un-dateable or hugely unattractive. Rather, my cynicism about my future love-life stemmed from my fearfully hesitant approach to relationships. I was interested in dating and intrigued with the way relationships worked, but I was simultaneously terrified of making some sort of mistake, of being fully rejected, being mocked or ridiculed, or falling in love with the wrong person. Too many stories and second-hand experiences of relationship woes filled my head for me to believe that I would  find a happy, strong, real relationship.

However, at sixteen, these fears were more sub-conscious than conscious. Without clearly making the decisions to do so, I hid my true self from those I dated. I always kept up my protective shield and as such, I never really bonded with my boyfriends. There was always a level of discomfort for me, a slight timidity about how to act or the right thing to do. Consequently, our connection was almost completely superficial and so, I usually ended the relationship less than two months from its commencement.

The short lived nature of my relationships did not deter me from dating. Instead, it seemed to have the opposite effect. From the time I started my final year of high school and through the first year of college, I sort of went from man to man, dating briefly and ending it before anything could even begin to approach seriousness. A serious relationship just wasn’t possible.

And then, I met A and everything, and I mean EVERYTHING I knew, had experienced and believed about relationships changed. Suddenly there was no awkwardness or painful lulls in conversation, no protective wall around my heart and soul, no hesitation, no fear. Over the course of two weeks we went from being complete and utter strangers to two people who had connected so strongly, so deeply that saying goodbye forever was simply impossible. We were willing to ignore the thousands of miles between us, to span continents and countries with our words, to give up on closer, easier relationships to be together.

And now, now I know. Sometimes there is such a thing as a soul mate, as ‘the one’, as a significant other to fit the puzzle piece of my existence. I know that sometimes there is such a thing as love at first sight, such a thing as connections that irrevocably change the course of life, such a thing as people who complete you so perfectly that it feels as if they have always been part of your life. For me, A is that person and I am thankful for whatever spirit, god or fate that devised that we should meet.

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